My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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