i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
