Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
