ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
