Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I did not marry a roomba.
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