Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
