Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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