The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
