he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
