Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
