When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
