Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
