today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
