THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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