I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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