Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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