I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
