low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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