I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize