Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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