God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
