i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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