threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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