the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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