Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
