Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
