Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
