We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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