dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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