Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
