Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
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I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
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How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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