My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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