I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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