I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
whose ass print is on the piano?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
