drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
