the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
