i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
