there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
