Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
