Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
