If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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