I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
