I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
