She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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