Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Randomize
