Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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