U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
