Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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