On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
