Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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