dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
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These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
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he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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