ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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