The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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