help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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