I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
someone threw a dead crab at me
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
