Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
