I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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