woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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