I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
And then the night went full on bisexual.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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